I was annoyed when I slept alone, and I was annoyed when I found out why. I was annoyed when I was pressured into playing guitar, and embarrassed by it. I was annoyed when I hit my head really hard and looked stupid. I was annoyed that I lost my film book and need to wait to get another. I was annoyed when I lost my ID and found I couldn't get it back until Monday. I was annoyed when I almost slept through class and had to run. This week I got annoyed a lot, sometimes I was upset.
But I was ok with the text I got, I just sat and read it and didn't react. I didn't know how to react and I didn't feel any need to react. But I figured if I never responded they'd do the typical girl thing and be angrier. So I wrote a letter, and told the truth. And I was ok when I found out they had no balls, and read something on livejournal. I'm ok with this situation, because I didn't get anything out of the old one. So, slowly I have been deleting traces from my life, and it won't be my fault if I ever contact them again.

My head hurts and I'm hungry... making ramen to fix the hunger and I just took some drugs for my head. It is still drizzling here... goddammit. I am really getting tired of the rain here because my normal activity involves just sitting outside reading, which I don't really want to do if my book is going to get wet. I did take a walk though, I end up taking a lot of walks. Bleh, I don't really want to do anything right now. I don't really enjoy being apathetic, but today I napped on and off for about five hours. I had shit I could have done, but I really didn't feel like it. Maybe I'll actually go to sleep at a normal hour tonight. I guess I can do homework tomorrow and Sunday. Haha, though only one assignment has to be done by Monday. Then I have some reading for Tuesday. Bleh.
So when I visited last year I got the feeling that I could spend a lot of time alone here and be happy, or I could become very depressed. Which will it be? So far I was thinking I was right with the first one and that I spent a lot of time alone but was very happy, but right now I feel like the depression might kick in and I might be horribly depressed here. Yippee.

Mmmm, I don't feel like doing my homework for Thursday yet. I did all my homework for tomorrow, so I don't feel like finishing this reading yet. Crap... Haha I've actually done half my homework for Thursday. Well, to be fair I only have two classes on Thursday and film is only once a week so I did all that reading. Uh, I only need to read like three chapters of the Odyssey and I only have one class tomorrow... bah, but I should do it because I really don't have anything else to do. Except maybe read my beat poetry book. Why are all my options to read?! Well, I could have gone swimming with Katie... but I don't like swimming and I'll go to the gym tomorrow and I feel no desire to go now. Gah... my head hurts. Yeah, there is not a lot to do here really. And for some crazy reason all the clubs are during the day, when I am doing shit already. Fuuuuuuck. Whatever.

So... first week of classes is over, kind of. I mean I still haven't had two of my classes, one because it's only on Mondays and one because I am retarded and slept through it yesterday. Damn Friday classes. It is dead here on the weekends, it's kind of crazy actually. I slept through most of today, and I didn't really miss anything. But that was also because it has been pouring here and it might have finally stopped. I don't really know what to say. I mean... everything is going fine. What more do I have to say really?

So, I am at Montclair. This is my... what, my fifth day here, fourth full day. Classes start today, in like an hour for me actually. French. I don't really know what to say. It's all been ok. I only forgot a few things, but I don't even need most of those things for a long time. So, that's all good. Though I do need to buy printer ink, but that's not the biggest deal yet, because what have I had to print? Oh... and because I left my printer set up software at home and it is coming in the mail for me... hopefully. I'm a bit tired now actually, though I finally did sleep well last night. I've been spending a lot of my time with Jim, and we've actually slept together the last three nights he's been here. It's weird.
I don't know. I'll figure this all out soon. I am kind of glad classes are starting today. Mmmm... more later.

So... I leave on Saturday. Technically that's four more days. Four days to get all this shit packed and ready and four days to try and see some friends and say some good byes. Right now I'm transferring a bunch of my cds onto my new laptop, so that I can put them on my zune. Of course I also need to transfer all my music from the desktop so it doesn't all get deleted from my zune... so annoying. I tie dyed all my sheets and towels today. Tomorrow I need to wash them and make sure they're ready to bring. I don't really know what I ought to be wearing anymore, but I like to wear the clothes I like... but I also want to bring those clothes with me to Montclair. Gah... this is getting annoying. I know I'm bad at this, but it still hasn't quite hit me yet. it hasn't hit that all this stuff is for me and that soon I will be in a small room with two other girls and no way out. I don't know. I also still need to set up a checking account at Bank of America... maybe tomorrow. I should wake up early tomorrow. I think I will be running on little to no sleep these next few days, just to try and get stuff done. Typical. I don't even know what it is I have to get done anymore... I realize it when I see it but not before then. Packing... i need to pack soon. And of course I'm working three more days this week, tomorrow, wednesday and friday. Yes, I am working the night before I leave. What fun. I am also currently covered in tie dye. My hands, my feet, my legs, my arms, I even have some on my face. I look a mess. I'm not tired... I should be tired. I'll be tired tomorrow morning. Gah... what to do?!

What is the point of these online journals or blogs or whatever you want to call them? I mean... I only know of two people who really read this... or might read this. But I guess other people could read it too, I read the journal of someone who isn't my "friend," so I guess it's possible some other people read this.
I'm really only writing now because I have nothing else to do. That's a lie, there are a lot of things I could do that would be productive, but there is nothing I want to do. I still need to finish cleaning my room, then clean up all my other shit from this house, but of course I don't want to do that. I could also make lists of what I need to buy and pack for college, considering I am leaving in 26 days or so. I could also read one of the three books I am working on right now, but that would be too easy. I could make one of the various crafty things that has been promised to people long ago. I could even play guitar or write in my real journal. But no, I am sitting here writing on my unloved livejournal, waiting for a video about the anthropology of the internet to upload.
I always feel like I have a lot of stuff I should be doing and that I'm not doing. I can never just keep up with stuff. Oh well. None of it is too urgent yet.
I hope I get along with the kids next year.

I hope this works. I am currently writing this journal entry with my new tablet laptop. Only weird because I'm writing it, not typing it. Surprisingly the tablet can decode my handwriting.... for the most part. I love looking back and reading the mistakes.
Ok, enough of that, besides I need to get used to typing on this because this is how I plan on writing all my stupid papers for the next three to four years.
I don't know. This summer is so weird. It doesn't feel like summer at all, I didn't go to any sort of camp and I don't think I will. I was supposed to go backpacking, but I'm not even sure if I'll do that now. It just feels like a really long winter break... minus fencing practice, or a really long spring break...minus the snow. Haha. But really, I just spend all my time working and hanging out with friends, and by friends I mean Jim, Grace, Preeti and Tara, Daryl too. I feel like I'm not hanging out with the right people... I mean, Jim is living across the hall from me, I'll see him almost everyday next year, I don't really need to see him everyday now, but I miss him if I don't see him daily. And my Preeti quotient will def go down next year, since she's probably still commuting, but she can visit me and I can go party with her. Tara I didn't see much this year, but she already went to college. I feel like these kids I'm hanging out with right now will be the ones I'll hang out with next summer, which is only sad because it's leaving out some of the people I have been closest to in the past. Only in retrospect do I feel like my life has change, but looking at the people I hang out with and the music I'm currently listening to, it has. Hopefully it isn't a bad change and I won't lose the things I liked about my past.
Things just feel weird right now. I don't quite live in the real world by any standards. I don't mean like... college versus the real world. I mean the reality everyone else participates in and where I currently reside. I wonder how long I can live here and survive. Maybe just three years will be enough. I'm kind of referencing how Jim and I are suck awkward friends right now, but it feels like everything. I just don't feel like I think like everyone else does, I don't feel like I belong here sometimes. No big deal. Maybe everyone else is thinking the wrong way and they'll catch on to me.
I'll figure it all out. I'll figure out what I'm doing with college (staying at MSU, transferring, just studying abroad and visiting Hampshire), what I'm doing with Jim (I could just stop being friends with him, would it really hurt more?), what I'm supposed to be doing, what I'm doing with my sleep schedule. Whatever, this is a time of experimentation. I'll do some crazy shit, like have a friend who I snuggle with a bit too much and stay up until four on a regular basis. I'll be fine when I really have to live in reality, right now jobs are just to get out of the house. When I need to pay rent it'll be ok. I'm good at figuring shit out.
That was rambling, but so am I. Here's to a good last month of summer vacation.

I realized I had not written here in quite a while. Silly, I read all these other entries all the time. But, I never really did get around to writing again. I guess I just didn't think there was anything worth writing. Hmmm... graduation is on friday. Weird.

Mhmmm, March 31st I find out from Princeton and Cornell, online. Their website says I'll hear from Hampshire on April 1st... I wonder if that'll be the day I hear, or the day they send the letter. Anticipation.
Montclair offered me a full ride. Yea, wow...
Hampshire... was... amazing. Though my memories might be slightly hazy. Though I guess getting high really was the best way to experience since that's a BIG part of campus life. Haha, lost my flip flops too, good story there. Um, it's just... a really different place, a lot of the same problems as everywhere else, but do you expect anything else?
April 20-30th I will be hard pressed to make all these decisions.
My feet hurt a bit.